A New Chapter

So we have lived in the new place for three years now — holy buckets! Life has continued and evolved, and lately I have found myself immersed in a Facebook group called Grown and Flown Parents.  For the past few days, I have posted lengthy diatribes on daily life, and folks have enjoyed it and asked me to write a blog.  So, I dusted off ye olde WordPress and rather than reinvent the ballpoint pen, I am just re-purposing my old one. (Singer girl would applaud me for being green)

To kick things off, I will repost the stories that resurrected my writing “career,” such as it is. I give you “My LifeAGeddon.”

Jan 4, 2018: Day four of ManColdaGeddon 2018. I was unable to vacuum my filthy house as he was napping — so it was all broom, all day. I had planned to stop drinking and work out every day to kickstart my weight loss plan, but eff that. I need my vices to get through this. He refuses to cover his mouth when he coughs and sneezes as he walks through the house, but doesn’t want to go to work and get everyone sick, Today I caught him sleeping on my pillows. I have elected to sleep on couch tonight. On-leave Sailor Boy has promised to not wake me up when he comes sneaking in late at night. Tomorrow is another day…time for wine and Real Housewives (at least I don’t have to argue about what to watch)…

…Omg I just pointed out that it was gross that he slept on my pillows. He glared and said “you don’t need to bleach everything!” Girl. You done slept and drooled and snotted germiness ev-Ery-where

Jan 7, 2018: ManColdAgeddon update: the tide has turned, and the whimpering is lessening. Yet the plague upon him continues in different ways. On Friday, you may recall, he blew out a tire while I was “indisposed” amidst a cleaning frenzy. Yesterday he enlisted the assistance of Sailor Boy, retrieving the vehicle. Alas: the expedition was unsuccessful, as he returned upon discerning he had TWO flat tires. I ask, “so you just left it there? What now?” He seemed perturbed that I would ask. I, baffled, went back to prepping for dinner party. Clock was ticking: 15 people coming in a matter of hours. Meanwhile, he realizes he has lost his phone. We are now going on about 30 hours of a lost phone — presumably lost in this house. My guess? It got tired of being sneezed on and packed a bag. Later on, he enlists Singer Girl to take him BACK to the disabled vehicle. She calls me, about 10 minutes later, furious with the world around her (she is very “17 year old girl in the midst of college angst”). “I lost Dad.” Now, before you wonder: my husband has a habit of disappearing. like, he is there one second then no one knows where he is. The girl often volunteers to stay with him so when he wanders off she can leave breadcrumbs. This time, however, she was following him to the tire store. “Where was he going mom? OMG. He has no phone so I can’t call him! And I am sitting in the middle of the road and people are honking at me!” I hold the phone away from my ear as she screetches. I have no idea what store he is at — I only know which store he told me he would never go to, which of course is the one he went to. I tell her she has 3 options, and during the calm explanation she randomly screetches and wails her displeasure: one, drive aimlessly around town hoping she finds him (this was her original one, and one which he surely would advocate. he has done this in the past when we are supposed to be going to someone’s house for dinner but forgot to ask them where they lived). Two, pull over and wait for him to call from wherever he ends up, or three, come home. She determines the world hates her, her parents are idiots, and she strains an eye while rolling it. She hangs up. He calls me. At Home. I explain that i am not the one he lost. Call Singer Girl. He does. Car is at shop now. Car will be ready Monday.Maybe. Husband flies to Europe Monday. I hope Amsterdam is ready…

Jan 8, 2018: MyLifeAgeddon: the cold having subsided, but the insanity continuing, I thought I’d keep this ball rolling…

So: when last we spoke, HWSNBN (that is DH’s Facebook name. He hates social media, and abhors seeing his name on it. So compromise is the moniker HeWhoShallNotBeNamed, or HWSNBN) was in the waning moments of the Man Cold, his car was in the shop, and the search continued for missing phone. Yesterday he decided eff it, I need a phone to travel to Europe. No, he has never backed up his phone, so all was lost. He heads to the mall, and, after about 3 hours and multiple phone calls to me, gets a phone. He rushes back and we switch cars (4 humans sharing 2 cars, as his is at the shop). I fly to my meeting (yes, on a Sunday: animal rescue knows no weekends). Four minutes down the road, the phone rings. It’s him. My butt clenches.

“The shop has my phone.” Say what? So, his phone had fallen into some black hole in his car. They found it, and promptly called him to let him know — leaving the message on the very cell phone they had — which he learns via voicemail on new phone. “Well,” says he, uncharacteristically searching for a bright side, “I guess I got someone a new phone.” True: Singer Girl’s phone has been on its last dial tone for quite some time. Had it for 4 years, which is a millennia to a Millenial. But while HWSNBN bought a technically new phone, he told Apple to just give him what he already had: a 6s. Um, that was 2-3 generations ago. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

He worries: “I need to return the new phone, but I have to fly to Europe today, so I better be careful with it so it’s in pristine shape.” My head pivots, my eyebrow arches, the coffee cup pauses on it’s way to my waiting mouth, and I say: “Oh hell to the no. Do you honestly think, with your track record, it will be safe?” (background: he is notorious for losing stuff. Like driver’s licences, credit cards, and don’t get me started on all the broken coffee mugs I have found in front of our house because he has sped off with them on the top of his car).

So today I drop him off at work, and as I am a kindly SAHM and devoted and not at all sarcastic wife, I offer to take old phone and new old phone to Apple and have the old switched back on and the new old returned. Oh: and he forgot his laptop, so yeah, can I bring that too when I come to the office? SIGH. He heads to Amsterdam tonight. I may actually get something done…

 

About DonniT

Born in Georgia, raised in California, and living in Minnesota for almost 2 decades, I have lots of different ways of looking at the world. Married to my college sweetheart, surviving being a Navy Mom to Sailor Boy and helping Singer Girl achieve her dreams of college and stardom. Constantly trying to outwit my Labradoodle while rescuing dogs. Love to read, shop, entertain, volunteer, travel, plan, and dream!

Posted on January 8, 2018, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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