Lately I have done an ungodly amount of online shopping.  Some for fun stuff, some for practical.  Mainly it’s because I haven’t had a huge amount of free time (more on that in another post), but have had a to do list longer than the preamble to the Constitution.  So as I realize I need something, I have pulled out my phone or clicked on my laptop, knowing that it will be faster for me to just fricking press a button.  Needed detergent, so ordered Tide on Amazon. Thought of some gift ideas for Valentine’s and upcoming birthdays, so clicked on the ads that popped up on Facebook.  All of our storage containers had ugly divorces, so I had mismatched tops and bottoms with no reconciliation in sight.  So ordered up the stuff — and that”s where this story begins.

Yesterday a bunch of boxes arrived.  Some I had ordered (the afore-mentioned bday gifts, plus some amazeball shoes from Nordstrom.  Damn you and your suggestions, whowhatwear.com). Then HWSNBN handed me an envelope.

It was addressed to me. So far so good.

From Walmart (I don’t remember ordering anything from Walmart?).

And it contained two packages of grey polka dotted paper straws. (um, what?)

This was interesting.  I almost asked my husband if this was his doing but knew that wouldn’t be right.  Wondered if this was some long-ago purchase that had just been fulfilled — like maybe for a party? But no, haven’t done any grey themed parties lately (and frankly who would want to attend one?). Texted Singer Girl and Sailor Boy.  Asked if they had ordered them and accidentally had them shipped here.  Oddly enough they both answered in record time.  “Uh, no.” Didn’t think so, but had to ask.

Put them aside and attempted to watch another episode of True Detective, but as it was 830pm (yes, really) and (as I said) my life has been a bit frazzled, fell asleep. Dragged my carcass to bed.  Dreamt about the straws.

The packing ship showed they were ordered from a Lin Li in Brooklyn. Who? Brooklyn? Why? In my dreams I wondered if they were tainted with anthrax or something (why?). Woke up determined to get to the bottom of it.

First I checked on walmart.com, and confirmed that I had not, in fact, ordered anything. Contacted customer service and explained the situation.  They told me I did order it — in an order for food storage containers. Pause.

Now, as I said, I did order food storage containers.  They had already arrived, but there was something weird there, too.  There were too many.  I was puzzled, but chalked it up to ordering while exhausted.  I mean, at some point there will be another parting of the lids and I will need more, so what the heck.  I put both the set I remembered ordering and the one I didn’t into the cabinet. But the straws?

I explained I did not order them.  She said I did.  Via Amazon. Which made sort of sense — because, as I said, I had no recollection ordering anything from Walmart, but had been meeting my Amazon Smile account happy lately.  Opened a new tab on the computer, and checked: nope.  My Amazon order only contained the 42 piece set.  I did not order the others.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn’t.

The first customer service rep, Genesis X,  said I would need to talk to someone else and disconnected me. Um, no. So I reconnected, and pasted the entire screenshot conversation I had already had for the reading pleasure of Aura C. She started doing some digging.

Did I have an email? Yes, I did.  And it confirmed my side of the story.

Which address did I use? Gave her my address. No, she said that’s not right.  Asked if they had listed Wayzata (we share a post office, so the cities are often interchanged). Nope. Insisted I hadn’t lied anywhere else in almost 5 years.  She insisted there was another address, and that she couldn’t help me until I confirmed the mystery location.

Baffled pause on my end.

I begged for a hint — a clue — a street name? A city?

Brooklyn, she replied. Ah ha! I grabbed the packing receipt, and explained that it said someone from Brooklyn had ordered the straws and sent them to me.  What does that mean?

A pause on her end.

Then it was done.  Basically, she said I wasn’t charged and could keep the items or return them to the store. Thanks for my business! Have a good day!

Wait. What?

That’s it?

I mean, I’m off the hook, which is grand.  But what about poor Lin Li in Brooklyn? Did get charged? I hope not! And how did he get my address — I assume that was a goof on Walmart’s end.  And is he sitting somewhere, unable to store his leftovers, and with sad, grey, incomplete party decorations?

SO many questions.  Few answers.

But I have an ungodly amount of Rubbermaid storage containers.  And some straws.

So there’s that.

(BTW: did you know that if you order through the Amazon Smile program, your charity of choice gets a kickback? All my purchases benefit Secondhand Hounds!).