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Taking My Own Bite
I recently took myself to New York. I have been to NYC before, but not for a full week, and never alone.
This was to be another “widow trip.” What does that mean? Well, for me, a widow trip is something purely solo, and designed to push as well as entertain me. My first widow trip was within days of Rich’s death when I packed up the dog and went to a cabin for a few days. The second was to Maui in January. This trip would “up the ante,” in terms of challenges, and I was determined. As the old song goes, if I can make it there…well…you know!
When I arrived, I headed to the AirTrain and then to the subway. This was where I made one of the few “oopses” of my trip. The AirTrain was free, but the subway was not. In my extensive research, I had correctly learned the right routes and also had happily discovered that you did not have to buy physical subway tickets. Instead, you could just tap and pay with your credit card. This is a fricking genius evolution, one which means less fumbling with wallets and money and a huge time saver and stress mitigator. After 10 charges in a week, the rest of the week would be free. Great deal, super fast and easy — except it didn’t work for me on my first trip. Rather than ask why, I decided to try figuring it out independently. Big mistake. I went to buy a single pass, and couldn’t find an option, so I just bought a week pass. It wasn’t until I arrived at my subway stop that I learned I had bought a pass for the AirTrain, which I would ultimately never use again. Ugh. Advice: ask for help BEFORE you make the money-wasting mistake.
My next error was one I knew I was making. I packed a big heavy suitcase. What can I say: I am high maintenance. I tried to leave the subway to go to my hotel, but could not find the darn elevator and I did NOT want to carry it up the stairs. I went around and around in circles and finally humbled myself to ask for help — again.
But I learned a great thing during my conversations with folks, one that would bear out for the duration of my vacation: New Yorkers were so kind, friendly, and helpful. I never once, on the entire trip, met anyone sour or grumpy! They are justifiably proud of their city, and want everyone to enjoy it to the fullest.
Once I managed to finally get street-level, I broke into a huge grin. I love the hustle and bustle of a city! It was a bright sunny day, and the city was my apple to bite. I pointed my feet in the right direction and quickly arrived at my hotel, the Marriott Vacation Club Pulse. I chose this hotel because I could swap it for the week at my timeshare. It was a great location, mere blocks from Bryant Park, Grand Central, Times Square, and more. I was pleasantly surprised that my room was ready when I arrived, some 4 hours before check-in, as long as I was okay with a low-level room, which was just fine. In my opinion, there are certain places where it makes sense to go for the view, and crowded cities are rarely that, as your view is usually of another building. I unpacked a bit, and headed out!
I made my way towards Grand Central terminal for a tour with Take Walks. Unfortunately, this was where I made an additional “oops”: I was actually an hour early. Note to self: when you book in one time zone, check the time for the other! So when I booked a 2 p.m. tour, that was for 2 p.m. central, not eastern. So to kill time, I wandered around. I happened to be in NY during the United Nations General Assembly, I know locals were hassled by the added congestion, but personally, I loved seeing all the SUVs with international flags, the people in traditional garb all over the place, and all the myriad languages spoken around the city were an added layer of music to my ears.
When I headed back to GC Terminal, I happened upon a beautiful flower exhibit, courtesy of Crayola.
Then it was time to meet my tour group. We donned nifty headsets, which I wish all tour guides would use. It made it easy to hear the guide, no matter where you were in the pack! The tour was a great peek behind the curtain. I learned a lot about the Vanderbilts, and about why the building looks the way it does. I heartily recommend this tour! Note to self: on your next NYC venture, hit The Campbell, a beautiful bar tucked away in a corner. It used to be a wealthy businessman’s office.
Back at the hotel, I changed for dinner. I was meeting my good friend Christi for dinner at Wolfgang’s Steakhouse. What a fun place — the service was just terrific (and I think they knew we were faking about it being my birthday, lol).
The food was good, but I think it would have been better if I had ordered my usual, a ribeye steak. I got the filet mignon instead, simply because of its size. Filets are always so tender, but I like the flavor in a big fatty piece of meat!
Christi and her husband Jim were fascinated with my plans for the next day: I was walking Manhattan, tip to tip! I saw this suggestion on TikTok. Once I watched that video, I plugged the plan into my Wanderlog itinerary and started supplementing it with restaurants and sights I could experience along the way. After all my fine-tuning, the trip was anticipated almost 7 hrs and 31 miles!
My plan was to be out of the hotel by 830 but ended up being 45 minutes late, so I knew I might have to trim things off if I wanted to be done before dark. I changed my original plan and got off the subway earlier than planned, and got off in Inwood. One of my goals for this vacation was to eat a different cuisine or culture every day. Today was Ethiopian, at Buuni Coffee. Sadly, they are no longer serving the full breakfasts I wanted, but I had great Hummingbird loaf and their delicious java, then headed off.
The best thing about this trek was the opportunity to go off the tourist trail and see neighborhoods I never had before. I loved seeing just day-to-day life. This morning was my first experience seeing all the great dog walkers around Manhattan, where one individual wrangles a posse of pooches. As one who can’t really get her GreatPyraHuskaDoodle to walk in a straight line, I was humbled.
One impetus for doing this trip was to finally visit the Met Cloisters. I have always wanted to, but it is so far north of anything else that it just never worked out. But this time it did. What a gem! It is literally like someone moved Medieval Europe into Manhattan. Fort Tyron Park up there was gorgeous too, Views of New Jersey.
From there I headed towards Harlem. Along the way, I saw the Morris-Jumel Mansion. I couldn’t go inside, as it wasn’t open yet, but I was intrigued. Built in 1765, it is the oldest surviving residence in Manhattan, and was at one point George Washington’s headquarters!
Next up was lunch at Red Rooster, owned by celebrity chef Marcus Samuelsson. On this trip, I embraced the “eat at the bar” thing, which is a great option when traveling and dining solo.
The bartender is an instant companion, which often makes for some lively and informative conversation. More on that later.
As I walked past the historic Apollo Theater after lunch, I made my first “delete” decision of the walk. I had planned to stop at the Hungarian Pastry Shop, but a belly full of fried chicken and mac and cheese and a time crunch made me reconsider. I’ll add it to the list of places to try next time!
Trudging onward, I skirted the edge of Central Park, but chose not to enter the grounds, as that was a stop for another day. At about this point in the day, my body started to complain. For about an hour I internally discussed the need for chemical reinforcements and started keeping my eyes peeled for a drugstore of some sort. I passed Columbus Circle, Times Square, and Herald Square, before finally finding a CVS — but they were sold out of ibuprofen. Fortunately one of the ubiquitous New York newsstands had what I needed. Grabbed some Advil, bought a highly-caffeinated iced tea at a cute shop, made a quick trip to a dispensary, and Mama was set.
I passed Union Square and found Washington Square Park, which was one of my highlights. It is such a vibrant area, full of college students, artists, musicians, tourists, and locals all enjoying the sunshine. From there I found Sugar Wood dessert shop. Your mama does NOT make waffles like this, lol.
BTW I have decided that next trip I may stay in Greenwich Village. I loved the culture there, and would have enjoyed exploring the shops and restaurants more. In fact, one of my favorite meals was in the Village, which I will fill you in on in another post.
Heading on farther south, I passed the famous Ghostbusters headquarters (aka Hook and Ladder Company 8 in Tribeca). I enjoyed watching the families chatting with the firefighters and headed downtown.
As the buildings got taller and newer, the city’s tenor changed. This was where people worked, not played. A new building had just opened nearby, one which is bound to be a highlight in a city full of architectural marvels. The Perelman Performing Arts Center is an exquisite cube of glass overlooking the 9/11 Memorials. When lit up at night, it feels like a block of light pulled from the dark empty square hole across the street. It is beautiful.
Having visited it in the past, I skipped the emotionally charged 9/11 Memorial this time (but if you have never been, go. Wear waterproof mascara and pack Kleenex). I strolled through historic Zuccotti Park, then saw the lines of folks trying to get pics with the Charging Bull statue. I didn’t get in line, but did ask myself, would I have chosen the line at the front of the bull, or the back? You rub decidedly different parts for luck… Then I headed to Battery Park where I gazed out at Lady Liberty, just as the sun was sinking toward the horizon.
I did it! After 46,693 steps, covering 19.40 miles and the equivalent of 49 flights of stairs climbed, I had walked Tip to Tip Manhattan! If I did it again (I totally would), I would definitely have left earlier in the day and I would try to visit new places. I think the number one joy of travel is trying new things, seeing new places, and talking with new people!
I celebrated my victory with a cocktail at the Dead Rabbit, NYC’s oldest bar. The good news about the timing of my walk was arriving before sunset to see the Statue. The bad news? Happy hour crowds in the financial district. Polished off my beverage, and headed back to the hotel, where I ordered a flatbread, and a glass of wine, and was off to dreamland, ready for the next day!
BTW: if you are interested, my TikTok from that day was filmed on the walk, with posts every few stops or so!
A New Chapter
The last time I wrote in this blog, I was married to the love of my life.
Now, I am a widow.
I still wear a ring, but he doesn’t.
My life is a new marriage of sorts. I must weave the before with the after. I sit at his desk, in what was previously his office, dividing my time between reconciling the past and preparing for the future. Simultaneously I must settle his affairs while making sure my own are ready for future days. I spend a little bit of time every day working through legal documents, finagling various types of insurance, and preparing for taxes. I am the chief cook and bottle washer now.
This blog will probably have a haphazard appearance (not that it was very ordered before, TBH), as I strive to cover a varied terrain.
I will write about the last vacation we took before we knew he was sick and talk about my own solo travels. As I write this, I have just arrived from a one week beach vacation where I mourned and healed. In fact, I have several trips coming up this year. Last year we had but one: our last Vegas adventure. I’ll have to write about that, too, I guess. I have a lot of leg stretching to catch up on this year.
I will blog about his celebration of life party, and about the hell of watching someone die by degrees. Of watching the man who used to hold you up become the one you must support. I went from being a friend and a lover to a nursemaid. It sucked, but I am not alone. In fact, I now have 90-some thousand new friends walking my widow journey with me. I decided before he died that I would need a way to keep myself accountable. So I created a TikTok grief journal, and every day I post something. Some days are decidedly more interesting than others. Some posts show me drowning in grief, while others show me making new strokes forward in the ocean of possibilities. I’d love to have you follow me, and help me stay the course!
We’ve all heard that the first year is the hardest, although now I’ve been told it is actually harder in year 2, when the new loss becomes the new normal. But I need to get through year one first, one post at a time.
Grieving is something that takes place on a sliding scale. For me, that process really started October 1, 2021, when we first heard the words “You have ALS.” I can still remember everything about that. I dropped him of at the entry to the University of Minnesota Neurology department, and watched him limp inside, leaning heavily on his late father’s walking stick. I parked the car, then found him. Our roles had already changed. In the waiting room we were both casually terrified, trying not to look outwardly concerned. I think he was more worried than I was, which makes sense. I think he already knew the diagnosis. I was living on edge in the dark, impatiently waiting for someone to tell us he did NOT have that hideous disease, .
Once in the exam room, the doctor had clearly read through the myriad reports from other doctors, and had analyzed the test results. Rich sat on the exam table, while the doctor checked his reflexes. It seemed to take him less than a minute to declare Rich’s death sentence, but I am sure it was longer than that. I was sitting in the spare chair they always have in an exam room. I know it was just maybe 5 feet away, but the doctor’s words sucked all the air out of the room and I felt as unsteady on my feet as Rich had been for months when I lurched up and crossed to the exam table. I put my hand n his shoulder, but that wasn’t enough. I needed more. I pressed up against him, and clutched his leg, trying not to hold too tightly or breathe too loudly. In the few steps it took me to cross that increasingly claustrophobic room, I had a million conversations with myself. I transitioned from panic and sorrow to determination and caring, because that was now my job. I needed to be what he needed, whatever that was, and my own needs had to be put aside.
Now it is time, once again, to tend to my needs.
Slowly, the world we built for two has become a universe of one.
I still make the king sized bed, but only have to wash the pillowcases on one side.
His clothes, now donated, are hopefully bringing someone else a smidge of the confidence he had, and I have started spreading out in the closet, reorganizing my things to suit my new lifestyle.
When Rich was first diagnosed, we had two cars in the garage. Then three, when our daughter came home home for one last summer with her dad. Then two, when we sold his car. Then three again when we bought the wheelchair van. Then two, when she went to school. Then one, when I sold the van. My car now also lives alone.
It seems every week I rearrange a drawer or a closet. I feel like I am marking my territory, by making things work in my new normal. It is also a way of visiting with him on a small scale, as I run across something of his, whether it is a business card or a pair of swim goggles or a tool he never put away in the right place. I fear, and hope, it will be a long time before the last item is discovered. Like an archeologist, I will be unearthing bits of his life for years to come.
And every day, I unearth a bit more of my life. My new life. My widowed life. My rebuilding life. My strong, sad, capable, terrified, hopeful life.
I can do this. With the continued support and help from all of you, I will do this.
A New Release!
Singer Girl dropped a new song yesterday!
Chipped is the last of the three songs she wrote and recorded over quarantine summer. This one’s a bit sad, about a couple who are married, but maybe shouldn’t be. Please give it a listen!
https://open.spotify.com/track/4FVaL1kFKmt2LN4Y07GuDL
What do you think? How does it compare with the others she released? If you like what you hear, please like, download and share! And do you follow her on tiktok? It’s a great way to hear the wide variety of styles she likes to work with (her handle is @frankienstein3).
Right now she is writing more songs, partnering with a guitarist friend so she can get a different sound. I know she longs to get back on stage with a band! Hopefully, next summer we can all enjoy live music again.
A little Ado About Everything 