It’s Awards Season, which means I will be obsessively doing two things: watching movies and posting about fashion. Today we cover the show that makes me think of boobs: the Golden Globes (really: what were they thinking when they picked that name?).

Before I start sharing pictures and thoughts and snarky comments and envious gushings, I want to remark on something I heard Howard Stern say on his show the other day. Mind you: I literally only heard a couple of sentences, so this is TOTALLy without context. Maybe he said more afterward, but I was rushing between appointments and I only heard this bit, so I can only comment on this.

He said that with very, very few exceptions, the women looked awful at the GGs. He said their stylists were doing them such a disservice by not flattering their bodies. He specifically mentioned that the bodies were hidden in material, that the ones that showed cleavage smashed their breasts in an unflattering way, and that they should have their hair loose, not pulled back, because so many have such gorgeous hair.

Mr stern, I know your job is to be a shock jock. Frankly, until I started listening to you last year, I and the impression that you were a wretched sexist pig. I have since learned to enjoy your show, even if I do skip over certain parts (your interviews are s=awesome — your sidekicks are not my thing). I admire your animal advocacy and your obvious devotion to your wife. But about those comments:

Yeah, lots of the outfits were weird. I agree, and I will call folks on it. And many will disagree with my opinions, which is fine, because they are my opinions, and I am as entitled to them as you are. But I think you miss the point on the red carpet fashion.

The women re not necessarily dressing for you, or for other men. In my heart of hearts, I hope they are dressing for themselves. But I know they are dressing for other women. We do that. It’s why we spend so much time at Sephora when our men say they prefer us without makeup.

Some of the women are just trying to get press. Some are trying to project an image they have or one they want. Their appearances on these shows are more about business and brand than anything else. I will comment on people in this blog I have ever heard of, and that means they have succeeded. In some cases, I googled them, and learned about a project they were a part of, and maybe added it to my watch list.

That means their weird, boob crushing, severe hairstyle worked.

Just like your shock jock persona works for you.

Thanks, Mr. Stern, for letting me vent. Now: on with the fashion show.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw

Imma start with this one because it is gold. There ya go. I actually love this, and it ALMOST made my top 3. It’s elegant, but modern at the same time.

I am a big fan of color on the runway, and this year we got splashes all over the place!

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And there was a whole flock of ladies in red — all conducting trains:

Scarlett Johansson: how can glamour be this boring?

Olivia Coleman: a little dowdy, but interesting

Helen Mirren: you go girl!

Nicole Kidman: pretty, but: yawn

On the other end of the spectrum were the ladies who went for classic black and white.

Reese Witherspoon: some fols disliked it, but I think the architectural detail is nice

Naomi Watts: it’s glittery, but not amazing

Jennifer Aniston: see my Scar Jo comment

Lorene Scarafia: the most interesting dress of this group

Greta Gerwig and Cynthia Erivo had the same idea: a black column dress with white framing the neck and face. Ervio’s was way better IMO. Gerwig’s severe horizontal neckline, with her tightly pulled back hair, only emphasized her broad shoulders. That may have been what she wanted, but I didn’t like it. Ervio’s, with the glittery movement and nipped waist, made the look more exciting and flattering.

Greta Gerwig

Cynthia Ervio

Ruffles and bows and wannabe lingerie looks were all over the place as usual. We just can’t get away from the Little House on the Prairie influence. Pity (at least the flesh-colored gowns were absent from the lineup).

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As for the other ruffly bits…

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On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have the ladies who wore pants!

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Let’s turn to the menfolk on the carpet! Men’s fashions are fantastically, fabulously pushing the envelope lately, and I am here for it! From the classic:

Daniel Craig: shaken, not stirred

To the “in a class by himself”:

And everywhere in between!

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The couples:

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Before we move on to my faves and least faves, I want to mention two women who were on both lists depending on who was voting, If nothing else, they were very haute couture. Fashion is an art, after all!

Joey King: wild, fun, cool — exactly what a young actress trying to make a name for herself should wear

Cate Blanchett: exotic, unique, cool: exactly what an established fashion maven should wear

My least favorite looks were some people’s favorites (and vice versa).

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The absolute worst was Jennifer Lopez. WTAF??? I included a picture of her from another gala that week, that she should have worn instead.

Some looks were SO CLOSE. They could have been amazing, but something felt lacking. Is it better to be safe, or to dare? (always dare)

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And my three favorite looks of the Golden Globes were…

Zoe Kravitz: this is how you mix quirky, formal, creative and classy!

Renee Zellwegger: the color slays, the fit is wonderful, the style is cool

Zoey Deutch: I would wear this out of all the looks. I LOVED IT!!!

As a parting gift, here is a slideshow of some of the best and worst looks from the Globes after-parties.  You guess which ones I liked and which ones, well, not so much.

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